The Hetalia Channel
by Bangkok-chan
Summary: You turn on the TV, and what do you see? The Hetalia channel! Bad summary! My best try at crack! Profanity! OOCness monsters! READ!
1. Mr Puffin ruins the day!

**Please don't hurt me... I don't own Hetalia, karaoke or TV...**

(line)

"Welcome to the twelve o' clock news update. I'm Mathias Køhler," "And I'm Lukas Bondevik. Today's top story is -" BANG! CRASH! "Mr Puffin! Come back!" Iceland stumbled over all the equipment in pursuit of his escaping pet. "Emil, how many times have I told you to keep that puffin out of the stu -" _Technical difficulties. Please stand by._

(line)

"Hello and welcome to England's Cooking show. I'm Arthur Kirkland and today we will be making scones. You'll need: -" "All this! Oh yeah, I'm Alfred F. Jones!" "America, you idiot! As I was saying, you'll need 100g of flour, 50g of butter, 100ml of water, 1 e-" "Just mix these altogether like this." "NO, YOU GIT! YOU DON'T USE THE BLOODY CHAINSAW! YOU DON'T EVEN MIX IT LI-" ZZZZZzZZZZZ _Technical difficulties, please stand by._

(line)

"Ciao and welcome to the Italian Brothers Talk Show! I'm Feliciano Vargas, and this is my brother Lovino! Here, we read your letters and answer your questions." "Today, we have a guest star bastard. Please welcome..." " Feliks and his rainbow pony! They'll be helping us today~" "Ok, the first letter is from a confused Arthur Kirkland bastard. It says: _Dear Italy brothers, I was in the middle of airing my show when the set was destroyed by that git America and his bloody chainsaw. I don't want this to happen in future episodes, so what the bloody hell do I do? From, England._" "That's, like, an easy question! All you do is kick him out while you're doing the show!" "The pony bastard is right, do that and the bastard won't interfere anymore, English bastard." "Ve~, I hope that answered your question! Our next letter is from our news presenters for this channel, Mathias Køhler and Lukas Bondevik. I wonder what they will ask, ne? Let's see, it says: _Dear Italy brothers, Iceland's puffin keeps on hijacking our studio when we do our twelve o'clock news update. It's getting really annoying and the puffin will not stay restrained no matter what we do! Please help. From, Norway and Denmark._" "That's a totally easy question! Eat the puffin! If it's dead it's not going to do anything!" "The pony bastard is right, again. Wait, what!? HYAAAAAAAAAAAA! We're going to die!" BANG BANG BOOM! "Nobody gives Norway and Denmark ideas to eat Mr Puffin! DIE!" _Technical difficulties, please stand by._

(line)

"Hallo and velcome to 15 vays vith the awesome Prussia! This week's 15 vays is how to be AWESOME, but not as awesome as me! The first vay is to get a Gilbird!" Prussia pointed to the yellow bird sitting in his hair. "The second vay is to be me! And als-" "PREUßEN! Hurry up!" "No-one interrupts my awesomeness, dear bruder!" _Technical difficulties. Please stand by._

(line)

"Welcome to an interesting episode of Hetalian Idol as Iceland and Japan face off! The name's Eduard von Bock, or simply Estonia! This week's song is a short one, called Strength by Abingdon Boy's School. Please welcome Emil Steilsson and Kiku Honda to the stage for a million hetas!" The two contestants went up onto the stage (duh).

**Kawaita kuchibiru itetsuku taiyou ni sarasarete  
Afureru namida ga shitataru mabushisa de boku o nazoru kara**

Tarinai kasho o tada umeau you ni kimi o motometeita  
Fureau yubi ni tsutawaru setsunasa dake o kakiatsumete

Kodou no oku ni kazasu negai o  
Sadame to iu nara  
Nokosareta kioku to nakushita kimi no omokage ga  
Ima mo okizari no mama...

Kasuka na toiki to furueru manazashi ni yurameite  
Kosureru tamashii o me o iru kirameki ga futari o tsutsunde

Deawanakereba kizutsukeau koto sae mo nakatta no ka na?  
Mogareta hane no itami ni yorisoi nagara sotto nemurou

Modorenai kara kaerenai kara  
Inochi o karashite  
Toozakaru ano hi to nakusu bakari no kono ude ga  
Kimi no nukumori ni kogarete...

Dare mo ga chigau sabishisa mochiyotte asu o hoshigaru kedo  
Kimi ga mezashita yogorenaki sono tsuyosa de boku o kowashite

Koe ni dekizu ni taeta inori o  
Sadame to nazukete  
Nokosareta kioku to nakushita kimi no omokage ga  
Ueta kono mune ni ima mo okizari no mama...

"Ok, judges, please vote! Here's a commercial for our viewers at home while we wait!"

(line)

"Are you hungry? Are you sick of England's cooking? Well don't fear, because America's burgers are here! Choose from a wide variety of sizes and fillings! Be a HERO!"

(line)

"Welcome back to Hetalian Idol! Our judges, Thailand, Canada and Switzerland have voted! And the money goes too... ME! HA! Estonia, the richest country in the world! Suckers!" "Hey this wasn't part of the deal, ana~" "That money was going to be for Mr Puffin's ransom! GIVE IT BACK!" _Technical difficulties. Please stand by._

(line)

**Short, but I ran out of ideas. I know I made Iceland a little OOC, but it's funnier that way, ne? Please read my other stories and review!**


	2. I'll sue you!

**Author's note: More shows and more stupidness~ I reference real things here, as you will soon read. Thanks for those who read this! BTW I put all dialogue by different characters on different lines! Don't own anything.**

* * *

"Hello and welcome to the three o' clock news update. I'm Mathias Køhler,"

"And I'm Lukas Bondevik. Today's top story is the Toilet Paper Pledge* in the USA this morning. President Barack Obama has made every loyal American swear to use less toilet paper to help global warming and pollution. Other countries may follow this example, like Australia and Canada."

"And that proves Americans have Sweden's _strömming _for brains!"

"Uh… Danmark, that comment was offensive. And you're annoying."

"Y' d'r' t' 's' my f'v'r't' f'd 'n th't m'nn'r? (You dare use my favourite food in that manner?)"

"Holy hamburgers! I'LL SUE YOU!"

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGG GGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!

"Danmark, you're annoying."

_Technical difficulties, please stand by._

* * *

"Bonjour, mes amis. Welcome to Afficher beauté de la France, or France's Beauty Show. My name is Francis Bonnefoy and today I will educate you on the beauty of ambergris**. Ambergris is a solid, waxy, flammable substance the colour of England's rotten scones produced by the digestive system of our friends the sperm whales. I even brought some to show you viewers at home. See?" A big gray ball resembling the THINGS coming out of England's oven (no offense) was shown to the distressed viewers at home. "This looks like nothing, no? Ah, but you see, its fragrance is most magnifique! Go for a lump that's aged quite well, fresh ambergris smells like the Parisian drains. Now, many perfumes have ambergris in them, so it is sad to know it's illegal in most places, no? Fortunately you need not worry, beca –"

"AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG GGGHHHHHHH! Norge, SAVE ME!"

"Hey, that is rude! To destroy the set like this, it is HORRIBLE!"

"I'll sue you!"

_Technical difficulties, please stand by._

* * *

"Konnichiwa, I am Kiku Honda."

"Annyeonghaseyo, I'm Im Yong Soo, da ze!"

"This is Japan and Korea's Gaming show. Today we wirr pray I'm scared***."

"Sounds scary, da ze!"

"Korea, there is no need for your sarcasm. To those who have prayed it, prease send us your comments. I arready know how to pray the first rever."

"There's multiple levels!? The first time I played that game, I didn't want to play it again! ARGH! It's that face that appeared when I finished the game!"

"Here comes the next bit. You must open the game's directory forder, and read the document."

"W-white face? I'm scared, da ze!"

"That's what's the game's carred, Korea… Wait, KAA-SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"

"It's a RAINBOW FUDGING PONY!"

_Technical difficulties, please stand by._

* * *

"Hello and welcome to England's Cooking Show. My name is Arthur Kirkland. Since we don't have Alfred with us today, we will make Italian lasagne. You will need around 3-4 lasagne sheets, 100g of minced beef, a bottle of pasta sauce, 100g of chee –"

"IGGY! Help me sue these news idiots!"

"Norge! Help meeeEEeEeEeeEeEeEeEeEEeEeE!"

"Ok, now as I was saying, you need 50g cheese, and an oven. Get a deep tray and grease it. Put your first layer down and the – "

"I'LL SUE YOU!"

"Flying Mint Bunny! You… you've forsaken me for PSY!? I bloody quit this show****!"

* * *

"Ciao, this is the Italy Brother's Talk show! I'm Feliciano, and this is Lovino! Ve, we don't have a guest star this week, so let's start with our letters!"

"This one's from the Greek and Turkish bastards. It says: _Dear Italy brothers, we were having a play date at each other's houses when we couldn't split a biscuit and started arguing. What can we do? From, Greece and Turkey._ That's easy, bastards. Split the biscuit in half. Why don't bastards have any f*cking common sense these days?"

"Ve~ Didn't you know Mr. Common Sense had his funeral last week*****? Anyway, we also have another letter! But it looks different to our usual…"

"It's from some bastard called I kidnapped Spain. It says: _Dear Italy brothers,_ _I kidnapped Spain. I am a fangirl, and if you want him back I want at least twelve reviews for this story. From, I kidnapped Spain._ Meh, who cares about the Spain bastard?"

"While we try to sort this out, here's some ads, ve~"

* * *

"Hey! It's the awesome Prussia here! Right now I want to show you my all-new Gilbird plushies! All soft and squishy, and in a store near you! Kesesesesesesese~"

* * *

"Do you get annoyed easily? Want an easy way to get those pesky idiots out of your way? Then you're gonna want one of my patented Hungarian cast iron frying pans! They're so useful; you can cook and fight with them! Only $49.99 and in stores now!"

* * *

"This is breaking news! We're all going to be sued by America!"

"I'LL SUE YOU!"

"This is Roderich Edelstein in Washington D.C! Back to you, Mathias."

* * *

**I was out of ideas… but England quit! Please help me! Oh yeah, if you want Spain back, I suggest you review, no? LOVE YOU ALL~ (PM me any ideas or OCs) Thanks for all the reviews! I'm so happy!**

***: I had this dream that the US actually made this pledge on TV after my chocolate binge.**

****: Ambergris… search it up.**

***** I'm scared will make you scared. Don't play it.**

******: Yeah. England won't be cooking anymore. Don't worry, he'll be back!**

*******: Common sense died out long ago, no?**


End file.
